And now I feel completely crushed and broken.

Basically, I got greedy, and last week had an initial meet with a 6th POT. It went OK, I suppose, but I don’t know – for whatever reason, he just never made it here to the blog. Heckler emailed me earlier, and told me that it was time for him to leave the stable, as he wasn’t comfortable being one of six.

Who can blame him? Looking back, I guess after losing my part time job, I got scared and just wanted to protect myself. But in the end, I ended up hurting and losing the person I was closest to in the bowl. I wish I could turn the clock back, but after endless rejection letters and unanswered applications, I guess I lost my sense of perspective.

What’s done can’t be undone, what’s said can’t be unsaid. I wish we could have spoken sooner – maybe things could have turned out differently.

Heckler, I will miss you forever. I’ll miss your nightly essays and our lunches together. I’ll miss texting you with all the gossip from whichever celebrity sex scandal is going on. I’ll miss your cooking and all your kinks. But most of all, I’ll miss waking up to your smiling face. I’m so sorry.